Pathetic Fallacy

Its funny, how these two weeks are forcasted to be cold, miserable, wet, colorless, and devoid of life. Much like college students all around the country. Yes, you guessed it. Its finals time. For the next two weeks the majority of college students around the country are going to be zombies running on little to no sleep, spending hours in the library cramming for an exam worth the majority of their grade, consuming everything from black coffee to adderall in order to stay focused and try to acheive that oh so needed grade.

Yet its pathetic really. It is pathetic that this behavior is even neccessary, and it is pathetic that we place so much value in a grade, when it is really just a number. At the end of your college path does it really matter? I mean whats the difference in someone with a 2.5 GPA and a 4.0 GPA. Honestly? Nothing, because they both have a college degree, and I assure you the person with the 2.5 had a hell of a lot more fun earning that degree. So why as a society do we still place so much value on a number? on a letter?

I will tell you why. Its because it gives us a sense of purpose. We as humans feel the need to seperate ourselves from one another. We want to be different. We do not wish to be part of a herd that is viewed as one cohesive unit where one animal is indistinguishable from another, other than a few asthetic features.

Ok. Im sitting here writing this, and keep going back and forth. Should we have grades or should we not. And honestly my brain is arguing both sides. yes they are good, no they suck. And I think it depends on the situation. I am inherintly selfish so when I know I have worked my ass off and I know the material and can do it way better than someone else, then of course I want to be recognized for it. Of course I want that "A+" however, if I am performing at a mediocre level, its like why? Why should we be graded, I know just as much as that star pupil does, so why cant we both just pass the class and be done?

Honestly, It is 5 am and I dont even know where I am going with this anymore. This is litterally just brain fart on a page. Kind of like stream of conscious but a little more cohesive. However stream of conscious royally sucks, and for those of you who dont know what it is, I advise you to never read "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man." Of course unless you enjoy having your brain screwed with, then be my guest.

Wow, I think my brain may actually be fried, and it could be due to the copious amounts of black coffee I have been drinking along with an increased nicotene intake in order to pull all nighters to study for subjects that will be insignifigant in a few years, or it could be due to the lack of sleep. But I am going to roll out of this bed in approximatly four hours, drag myself to a study session, and then go back to the library where I will continue to not sleep, drink coffee, and fill my brain with information that I will forget within the week.

But anyways, Happy Finals to everyone and as Effie always tells us "May the odds be ever in your favor" except really, were all screwed except for that one person who makes a 100 on the final and screws the curve for the rest of us, leaving us metaphorically dead with our C & D's while they enjoy the A+ of a Victor. (yeah, totally brain fried... for those of you who haven't read the hunger games, just ignore this last paragraph)

Depth.

Just the way the word rolls off the tongue when spoken in the English language gives the perception of endless black voids. Initially it reminds one of death, death with a hard p in the middle. And isn't death, deep? isn't that what death is? An endless black void, from which there is no escape? Perhaps, although that would be quite depressing. Because could the word depth not also be used with an endless vision of pure white light that is never ending and continues way beyond the human perception? 

And then of course, one cannot forget the ocean. The word depth is typically used when describing those areas hundreds of miles from a shoreline where undiscovered species still linger, and the water becomes so black that even the fearless do not venture there. Yet even with that depth, one merely has to swim back into the light by going up, then they reach the sky. Which has it's own depth, but not in the same way...

When you consider depth, and how deep you're willing to go, do you lean more towards the black void? Or is it a clear bright white expanse that never ends? 

Neither is wholly bad, nor are they wholly good. They just merely are. They are deep, and anything could be discovered in those depths.

My childhood ended with Harry

"The stories we love best live in our hearts forever"  

~ J.K. Rowling

The first book in the Harry Potter series was released in 1997, when I was only four years old. However, the books did not begin to gain popularity until late 99 early 2000. At which point I was a 6 year old boy. Somehow (I don't remember how) at the age of 6 I found out about this book and wanted to read it; however, my mother was skeptical as to whether or not I should read it, due to my young impresionable age. So, she read it first, and once she decided it was not about satanism or devil worshiping she concluded that I could read it, as long as I understood that it was a fictional book and was not real. Which I did. So at 6 years old, my mother and I started reading the first Harry Potter book together. Thus bloomed my love of reading and overall love of the series. As the years went by J.K. Rowling continued to release books, and I continued to eagerly await the release of the next book in the series.

In a sense I grew up with the novels, with the characters themselves. I was around the same age as the characters as the books were released (especially further into the series, because I aged quicker than the books could be released). And I remember the many adventures I went on with Harry, Ron, and Hermione with great fondness. While yes they are merely characters in books, I would consider the three of them to be some of my bestfriends growing up. (for you non-readers this may sound really weird... however, if you love reading the way I do, then you understand exactly what I am saying!) The three of them, as well as many other characters will always hold a special place in my heart. And the best thing is, the memories I made as I went on adventures with them will always be accessible to me, because I can always just pick up the book and re-read it! (which I have done many times over with the entire series!) And for those of you that do not enjoy reading the way I do, or understand how it can take you to places you could never actually go, I am deeply sorry. Becuase you will never be able to understand the place the novels and stories I have read over the years hold in my heart. You will never understand how it has helped to define the man I am today.

To me Harry Potter represents a huge part of my childhood. Many of my childhood memories I can associate with Harry Potter. Such as how while I was reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix my dad left me at a service station. He left me there for over an hour without even realizing that he had. And I didn't realize it either, because I was so caught up in my adventure with Harry and friends as we broke into the Ministry of Magic to find the prophecy. I remember laying in bed at night when I was 6 years old, reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone with my mother and devoloping my love for not only reading, but also my love of learning and words. I remember having several birthday parties going to see the movies as they were released. I remember making special trips to Gastonia (which was a huge deal when I was in elementary and middle school) in order to go to Books-a-Million to pre-order and purchase the books. I remember laughing out loud and being filled with such a feeling of triumph and joy when Molly finally killed Belatrix whie defiantly exlaiming "not my daughter you Bitch" (possibly my favorite line from the entire series). I remember spending hours at my grandfathers side watching the movies with him when I would spend the night (because we would always stay up as late as possible when I spent the night, and watch movies all night! We would watch westerns for a while, and then we always had a Harry Potter marathon. Or at least watched 2 of them). So many memories from my childhood go hand in hand with Harry Potter. And as J.K. Rowling said "the stories we love best, live in our hearts forever." And Harry Potter will always hold a special place in my heart.

The reason I say my childhood ended with Harry, is because as the final novel/movies were released, I ended my high school career. I turned 18 and started to have to grow up. As Harry went on his last adventure, I was also pursuing my last adventure as a child. I was graduating high school, preparing to leave my parents and go out and make my own way in the world. So in a way it seemed perfect that the series ended when it did. Because the characters I had grown so fond of, were at the same stage in life as I was. As there schooling was ending, as they were becoming adults, so was I.

Fire and Ice

I'm laying here thinking about fire and ice, and that poem by that one guy, oh yeah, Robert Frost, and how I never really understood it and probably still don't. But that's besides the point. Fire and Ice are two completely different things, one is extreme heat and one is extreme cold (although some would argue that cold does not technically exist, it is merely an absence of heat, but whatever). But as I lay here I keep having this mental image of two icy wolves at war with a single flaming horse. You know a stormy background, lightning flashing, the elements at war with themselves. Let your imagination run with that one (I know I'm weird, get over it) And for some reason I see myself in both of them in several ways. Not only because they are my two favorite animals but also because of the intensity of the colors that I picture and the emotions I associate with each one. The firery horse I associate with passion and life. Freedom and power. A love that burns incredibly strong. Then the icy wolf is also strong, however intense and deep. Free and powerful but in a different way. I then look at myself and I see both fire and ice. And sometimes they are in conflict with one another and wage a war within me that leaves no room for anything else. Both fire and ice are constant yet not. Fire changes and bends and moves almost like it is alive. You can look at it, yet one flame can not be studied because it is spent in seconds and another replaces it. Ice however is still, almost cold and dead. Yet, one can not clearly perceive the depths of the ice due to the ripples throughout and the way the light bends and breaks as it attempts to penetrate the cold heart of the ice. So in essence fire and ice, while completely different, are also the same. And I, like fire and ice am not simple. 

The New Tattoo

So, y'all are probably wondering why I got the new tattoo. Does it mean something or is it random or what? Well it obviously means something, I would never permanantly ink something on my body on a whim, and not have it mean anything.

I have wanted this tattoo for about a year now. I was searching for rib cage tattoos, and found a very similar one to this, however, it was five birds and was more diagonal.

This tattoo has several meanings. The first and foremost is family. There are four birds on my side, three of which represent those I love the most in this world, and those who mean the most to me. My mom, dad, and sister. The fourth is representative of me. The placement is also signifigant. They are on my side, because my family is always there for me, and always "by my side." We may fuss and we may argue occasionally, but what family doesn't? I know that no matter what they are the three people I can count on no matter what, for anything.

The reason why they are birds? Well, there are a ton of reasons... haha. I love what birds can represent and what they can stand for. Freedom. Power. (depending on the bird) Beauty. Lively. I also love this quote "No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky." So birds symbolize freedom, and flying (something I've always wanted to be able to do! lol) yet even the birds are not free. Something I find intriguing. It's a complex idea, that forces me to think about things in a different way.

Anddd, I think it looks really really awesome. Haha, From the moment I saw the tattoo, I was like I love this, but how can I make it my own. What can I do to it to make it represent me? And I was finally able to do that!

AHHHHHH Exams

So, my major problem with studying for exams, is I look at the bigger picture. I look at everything I have to do and have not done yet. I become overwhelmed.

WELL THIS IS WRONG. 

It is the worst possible way to look at studying for exams. period. Don't do it.

Something I have to constantly tell myself is to FOCUS ON ONE THING AT A TIME. Focus on one test. Don't let yourself think about all the tests you have, and the paper you still have to write. Just focus on the one test you are studying for and forget everything else.

Because lets be honest, when I try to comprehend the amount of material I have to study for my four exams, and the research I have to do for this 10 page paper, I shut down and get overwhelmed. The only way I can survive exam week is to focus on one assignment, one class, one test, at a time.

I'm sitting here studying for my final at 8 am tomorrow and this hit me. Becuase I started to think about my paper that I have to finish, and need to work on and litteraly started to feel hopeless. Hopeless because I thought 'there is no way I can actually do all this, no way I will do well on everything.' And I just downward spiraled from there. I began to think of the econ, physics, and chem tests I have next week. BUT those are NEXT WEEK. Not in 5 hours. I have an exam in five hours that I need to focus on. And realizing that, realizing that pushing everything else away and focusing on this one test, releived my stress. It made things seem so much more doable. Because once this test is done, I don't have to worry about it. In five hours this class is done and over. So I can focus on just this one thing for the next five hours, then worry about whatever is next.

This is so much better then trying to study for this exam, while thinking about what sources I should use for my paper, and how awful this chem exam is going to be because my proffesor is a pompous ass who likes to torture his students. I have to push all that to the side, and focus on the material in front of me.

So thats my rant... but still, don't let yourself get caught in this downward spiral. Don't allow yourself to become so overwhelmed with everything you still have to do, and focus on what you have done, and what is next. Take it one day and one subject at a time, and remember:

 Focus on ONE thing at a time!

I assure you, if you take this approach to studying for exams, you're week will seem a lot less hellish, and your stress will be greatly reduced!

Advice to the Heartbroken

You deserve better. You deserve to be fought for, to be wanted. Not to be lied to or cheated on. Your the girl all the guys want and any guy would be lucky to have you, lucky that you even give them the time of day. Because lets face it, you are way to gorgeous for anyone around here. Yeah you love him, and yeah it sucks and it hurts, but it will be ok! We as humans are built for heartbreak, it makes us stronger. We're built to withstand it. Because we can overcome it and we come out stronger and smarter than before. We learn from it and apply it in the future. We learn to not put up with the bullshit, we learn that we are more than what we value ourselves at. We learn that we deserve the best. We accept the love we think we deserve, until that love destorys us. Then we finally realize we deserve the best. We shouldn't settle for less, but demand the best. So stay strong sweet girl, keep you're head up, and make him realize what he lost and will NEVER get back. Make sure your upgrade is your Prince Charming (and the sexiest damn Prince Charming you can find) because you deserve to be treated like someone's Cinderella. And there is a guy out there that will do that, a guy that will appreciate you, and love everything about you. Love your flaws, your quirks, your demand for attention, your jealousy, the way you look at him, the way you just want his arms around you. There is a guy out there who will never break you. Who will treat you like the princess you are. He will take the pieces that you can't fix yourself and fix them for you, he will make you whole again. He will make you realize that what you thought was Love was nothing. He will show you what true love is and give you your fairytale.

So overcome this heartbreak! Yeah it sucks so hard right now, yeah you want nothing more than to take him back or continue to give him chances. But can you trust him? Does he love you the way you do him? Is it worth it? Because honestly, during the breakup remember what was said. Remember the mean hurtful things, because these are things he is really thinking, but never wants to actually say. He says them because he is angry. His true character and colors are showing and is that really something you want to be with? Is that anger something you want to keep around for the rest of your life? Is he worth it?  Continue to be strong. You will overcome the heartbreak, you will grow and develop into this amazing, beautiful, talented woman, and then find the man of your dreams. He will finally find you, when you are ready, he will make all the pain you feel now seem like nothing. 

Keep your smile strong and stay beautiful. Do not show anyone your pain, because that will just satisfy him, keep your head up. If you need to cry, cry but only with those closest to you or behind closed doors. Show him that you don't need him, and that you don't care. 

And remember, you will find the love that is meant for you. And he is not it.

Quotes

Hey guys, so I'm not really sure where I want this blog to go yet, but I'm just going to start writing. I found all of these awesome quotes from Cristina Yang, a character on the abc hit show Greys Anatomy. Side note: one of my favorite shows that I have watched with my mom since it started, and well is what inspired me to go into medicine and want to become a surgeon. (Yes I know its nothing like what they show on TV). But anyways here are the quotes that I found: ..... wait heres how this is gonna work, first I am going to quote the quote, then underneath it a little blurb about why I like it, and what it makes me thing about. (yeah I know, kinda cheesy especially from a fictional character, but HEY, these are good qoutes!) 

"There comes a point in life when it becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That's when the real work begins. To find hope when there seems to be absolutely none at all."

So I know I've been here. I know there have been points in my life where I have just given up. And trust me, it is SOOOOOO hard to overcome it once you have given up. Because finding hope, when all seems hopeless is nearly impossible. But here's the thing. I have something Cristina Yang doesn't. Jesus Christ. When all seems hopeless, when all seems lost, when I have reached my utmost breaking point and crashed as hard as I possible can against rock bottom, I don't have to find the hope. My hope is in Jesus Christ, and I know things will only get better! Psalm 30:5 says that weeping will come in the night, but joy comes in the morning! Interpret this as the weeping being your hopelessness. The time when you hit rock bottom. When things are dark and it seems like you will never see the light again. But as surely as the sun will rise, joy will come. Because yes, you have the night, but eventually the sun must rise. So as surely as you will have the hoplessness, joy will come again. As long as you place your hope in Jesus Christ, you will be able to overcome any hopelessness, and find the joy and hope in Him. 

"Being aware of your crap, and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things."

Soooo, time to get deeper. I know what my "crap" or my problems are but heres the thing... Sometimes I just don't care enough to overcome it. Furthermore, your crap is what makes you, you. Why change it and fix it to meet the worlds standards of what your crap should be. I personally like who I am, and will not fix what others think is crap, in order to fit this mold that society expects of me.

"If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand something more."

This quote reminds me of another one of my favorite quotes from the book "Perks of Being a Wallflower" which is 'We accept the love we think we deserve.' So soapbox time. You deserve the best. No matter who you are you deserve the best. You do not deserve to have to put up with crap, and you shouldn't settle for crap. If you continually find that crappy things are happening too, then stop letting it. Stop accepting things that are sub par or not good enough, and only accept the best. Demand the best. Fight for the best, and do not stop until you have it, because if you settle for the crap, then the crappy things will happen to you. 

"Pretty good is not enough, I wanna be great!"

So, I basically have said all I need to say about this in my post entitled "Coasting" so if you have not read that one yet, then stop right here, and go read that for this quote, then you can come back :p

"Have some fire. Be unstoppable. Be a force of nature. Be better than anyone here and don't give a damn what anyone thinks. There are no teams here, no buddies. You're on your own. Be on your own."

I could write pages on this quote, SOooooo I will. Haha stay posted for what I have to say about this one :p

"How am I supposed to get through the holidays without liquor?!"

"If there's no food, I'm going home."

I just found these two to be funny, and considering the seriousness of previous quotes, I felt that some comic releif was necessary! 

"Oh screw beautiful, I'm brilliant! You wanna appease me, compliment my brain!"

This one made me laugh too... haha, For some reason it reminded me of myself. I mean I can be quite concieted sometimes and I do so in a way that makes it seem like I am joking, but if you really know me... well lets just say I love myself too much for it to be a joke :p Haha another reason why I really like this one is because I have jokingly made the comment to friends before "just let me drop out and get paid for my looks" but, SCREW BEAUTIFUL, IM BRILLIANT! haha Why settle for something anyone with good looks can do, when I have the intelligence to literally be or do anything. Why waste the God given brilliance that I have by swimming in a sea of apathy?

In Remeberance

Cling to the hope you have in Jesus Christ, he will bring you through, cling to your family, cling to your friends, love all you can while you can and do everything for The Lord"  ~ Russell O'Neal

A year ago today, a friend, peer, fellow graduate, and overall amazing man lost his battle with cancer. Russell O'Neal was an amazing young man who was on fire for Christ. I am writing this to not only honor his memory, but also to bring awareness to the lives he impacted, and the lives he is still impacting.

I am posting a link to the foundation that was created in his memory: http://russelloneal.com/site/

Not a day goes by that I do not think, why? Why did he have to die? And then I realize the impact he made in both life with his testimony and the impact he is still making on so many peoples lives through the organization founded in his memory.

I remember sitting beside him in band freshman year, he was playing trumpet and I was playing sax. He was on the basketball team (one heck of a player). And then I remember finding out everything sophomore year, the school came together as a community to support and pray and donate for Russell. I remember when he came back to school, so happy and full of life. We spent many hours together working on projects for TSA especially the Architectural Model. I remember he wanted to be an architect and was planning to go to UNCC to study architecture. And then I remember a year ago today, sitting in church and hearing the news. The news, that he had went on to be with our father.

It wasn't until that moment that it hit me. The impact he had, and also what the world had lost. Then also, why? Why, out of everyone who has had cancer and survived, why did God call someone home who was doing so much work for his kingdom. I remember my own scare with cancer and think wow that could have been me. Why wasn't it me? This isn't fair. My heart broke in that moment, not only knowing my own pain, but the pain of his family and all of those who were closer to him than I was. All of these things went through my head that Sunday morning.

I remember one of my teachers telling me that when he was in his last days he made a remark along these lines: "I already had my second chance, now I am praying that God will give someone else theres." The selflessness of this statement broke my heart again. This young man, barely 18 years old selflessly asked God to save someone else, someone who needed saving. Not just from their cancer, but also so that they could come to know God.

Russell impacted so many people, and continues to do so. I know he is dearly missed by his family, friends, and the entire community; however, he is now in a better place smiling down on us all.

"

Fear

What are you afraid of???

For me, my biggest fear is abandonment. Losing everything and everyone I have ever loved or cared about. Or even losing one person. This isn't due to death or a natural cause, but litterally having someone realize that they no longer want you or no longer want to be a part of your life so they leave you. They abandon you, like a little lost puppy in a box on the side of the road. Just left to your own devices when you needed them the most. That is my biggest fear. But this fear is irrational, and for lack of a better adjective stupid. Because I can never be truly abandoned, not when I have Christ. 

“Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” ~Mark 4:40  

So why am I so afraid of abandonment? Why is it that this is what plauges my nightmares? Not only do I have Christ who will never forsake me, but I also have amazing parents who love me unconditionally and this awesome (and sometimes annoying :p) sister, that I know will always be there. Yet, I still have this destructive fear? A fear that I am learning to control and tame and overcome because of the amazing love that Christ has for me, but also stemming from that love, the blessing he has given me in my family. 

But let me ask?? What are you afraid of? And is this something that can be overcome? Something that can be solved? The context of the aformentioned verse is that of Jesus speaking to his disciples after he has calmed a storm on the ocean. They are in the middle of a storm and about to be overtaken, and when they have finally tried everything on there own, they finally turn to Jesus and ask him to solve the problem. What kind of problems do you have in your life today, that you have tried to solve on your own 100's of times without success? A problem that, if you would just turn to God, he could take it and "calm the storm." If you have faith that he can overcome your personal storms for you, then why have fear? Why have fear of abandoment or whatever it is that you may fear. Because with Christ, you should not be overcome and overwhelmed by your fear, but be content that he has your fears under control and will not let them overcome or overwhelm you.  

*side note (Now I have never been in a storm on the ocean, but from the movies i've seen they look terrifying. They are huge, strong, and strangley beautiful. They appear to be untamable and uncontrolled. If God can control THAT with nothing but his words, what do you think he can do to the small comparably insignifgant things that occur in your life? If he can control the oceans and storms, don't you think he can control something like abandonment? And keep a fear like that from being something that you can't bear?) 

Joy!

"and NO ONE can take your joy from you!"    

 ~ John16:22

*No matter what happens as long as you center your self in Christ no one can take away your joy. Joy is a state of being, it is not a feeling that one has. Feelings are things such as happy or sad. You can be joyful yet have moments of sadness. Joy is a mindset and a state. The oppostie of joy is sorrow. Sorrow comes with not focusing your life on Christ and not letting him be the center of your life. As long as you keep Christ at the center and allow your joy to spawn from him, then no one can take that away. So if you are currently living in sorrow, then ask yourself, where do you find your joy? And what did you lose in order to have that taken away from you? If you lost your joy its because it was taken from you so that you may find true joy in Jesus Christ. Once you have found that joy in Christ, you can never lose it!

Coasting

Why is it that we tend to settle down and live simple mediocre lifestyles when we are meant for so much more? We have all the potential in the world to do anything we may set our mind too, yet most of the human population settles. As children everyone has these huge dreams of wanting to become an astronaut, a president, a proffesional athlete/olympian, a lawyer etc. But so few people actually become these things. So few people follow through with their dreams and goals because they get so caught up in life they forget to live it. So they settle for the mundane.

I recently had my eyes opened to the fact that I have spent the last year of my life just coasting through. Doing the bare minimum and not using my abilities and talents to their full potential. I was settling for normal, average, below par, or whatever other adjective you may want to use to describe it. I was doing this in every aspect of life: my schoolwork, my social life, reaching for my dreams, and using my abilities. I can do so much better, but why did I seemingly settle? Why settle for the insignificant? Why settle for C's instead of A's? Why settle for less than what I can actually acheive? Why did I allow myself to fall into the human pattern of getting so overwhelmed with life and all it entails that I forgot to actually live? I may never know the answer to that question; however, I do know that it will not happen again. I have the potential to become anyone or do anything I want. I have the ability to change the world. So instead of coasting through life and letting it pass me by I have every intention of living it.

So ask yourself the same question. What is it that you really want? Are you living up to your full potential, or are you settling? Are you so caught up with life that you are no longer living?